2 Years Today!

Today is an important day for me. Today is my 2 year “cancerversary”.  I’ve been thinking about this day for the last couple of weeks and have been reflecting on the past two years since I was diagnosed. Frankly speaking, I think about cancer a lot.  I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I guess when you are told “you have cancer” it can kind of rattle a person.  That said, I am beyond thankful about how lucky I was and am.  I have some friends currently fighting the fight to become cancer free and while it sucks, I’m also happy to say they are winning that fight!  Separately, another friend lost her fight this year.  Her kids are the same age as Keaton and Casen and I’m heartbroken for those little ones who will grow up having lost their mom.  Life isn’t fair and sometimes it just really really sucks.

When the topic of my cancer comes up, Scott always makes me laugh which I love. He calls 2010 “the year you tried to die” because of the cancer but also because of Channing’s birth and how the doctors said “you were in real trouble there for a while”.  I guess my goal for this coming year is to try not to die (just trying to make my husband proud!). Really, it's the least I can do.

In terms of health, all things remain the same.  From what I know, I’m cancer free and plan to stay that way. This past year I did participate in a genetics study run by the UW School of Medicine in which they are studying breast cancer in young women (diagnosed under 40).  They study genes for the two main genetic defects known to be associated with breast cancer (BRCA 1 & BRCA 2) and a whole host of other genes.  I got my results back just a few weeks ago and I’m negative!  This is great news particularly for my worrying about my kids and their future.  I see my cancer doctor in another month or so where I’ll ask for the millionth time if I should be doing anything (blood tests, scans, etc) just to check once more and I’m sure she’ll tell me again that I don’t need any of that.  So then I just sit and worry from time to time.  Apparently that is the norm.

I can’t end this blog post without recognizing two other major events this year that affected the health of family members.  This spring, Carol suffered a brain aneurism and a stroke and she continues to work on her recovery.  She’s really doing great, but the road is difficult.  Second is my youngest nephew Garak who is one of the toughest kids around.  He’s been holding on to life now longer than anyone expected and is getting in all the snuggles and loves from family and friends that he can.  He’s a complete sweetheart and we love him very much.

I hope I don’t have any reason to write in this blog until next year.  So make sure and do monthly self-exams, donate to great cancer related charities and stay healthy!  Love & hugs!

Becky

Happy 1-Year Cancerversary to Me!

I've been thinking a lot about this day over the past few weeks. My first cancerversary... For those not in the inner cancer circle, today is the day many survivors celebrate: the day of diagnosis. It's funny, it's only been a year and I feel like it was ages ago.

One year ago today Scott and I were sititng in Dr. Eklund's office in Lake Oswego. He had been waiting for pathology all day and it was now 2:30 and we were still waiting. Finally he came in and Scott said he knew right away it was bad news. I didn't know. I'm the optimist in the relationship you know. So Dr. Eklund came in and sat on the side table next to me. I thought it was weird, a 70ish man sitting on a table. And then he said it - 'malignant'. I'm not even sure I blinked. I'd say I felt numb but I'm not even sure that was my reaction. I just felt like 'fine, now what do we do'. I didn't cry. Dr. Eklund stepped out of the room to make calls to set me up with an appointment with a breast surgeon. Scott and I sat quietly - I know we talked a little. In all honestly, we probably started to try to make each other laugh. I texted (yes, I know it's awful).. I texted my parents with the words 'malignant'.

Eventually Eklund came back in and told me I should see Dr. Nathalie Johnson. He said she was the best. Soon after we walked out of that building and I can't remember exactly how it worked out but we made it over to PF Changs for happy hour. I had a margarita. Scott and I talked but really we had no idea what was in front of us. Turns out, I did have great doctors who moved quickly and moved me through the process to rid me of cancer.

In reflecting about the last year, the number one, stand out feeling is that of embracement. I was embraced in such an incredible way by family and friends. It was like a huge crowd of arms immediately circled around me, Scott and kids. I'm so thankful for that. Funny story, a couple of months ago Keaton asked if I remembered when I was 'sick - when my chest hurt'. I said yes. He asked if I would feel that way again. I told him I hope not. He got kind of a depressed look on his face and I of course asked why. He said it was fun because he got so many toys and presents. I love that he felt that way - he was embraced. The memories from this awful experience for him were good ones. I honestly couldn't wish for anything else in the world. Thank you to Scott, my parents, Carol & Ron, Jill & Paul, to everyone who brought food, flowers, gifts, cards, to those that visited, called and prayed, and to my amazing company Intel. It was YOU that created the great memories for my children in such a miserable time. Thank YOU for embracing them and protecting them from pain. Amazing.

In terms of health, all things remain the same - I'm cancer-free (or so I hope!). :) Essentially I'm directed to live life as I did before my diagnosis. If something seems strange, I see a doctor. I should be a bit more aggressive about lingering coughs, bone pain, etc. but otherwise I just go on with life and remain diligent should any unusual symptoms show up. I will say, I'd prefer to have some kind of regular scans of some kind but my doctors say it's unnecessary. I feel vulnerable and uneasy sometimes. I read about cancer often because I'm an information hoarder and I'll be honest, stories of recurrence terrify me. But, I've heard these feelings subside over time. I'm sure that is true. I'm excited to see my OB Dr. Stewart in another couple of weeks. I haven't seen her since she referred me to Dr. Eklund. We've talked some and she provided incredible support following my diagnosis. We'll see what she says about future scans. I imagine she'd be willing to refer me if I asked.

So how does one celebrate a cancerversary? I guess I'm not really sure what is customary. I do have a girls night tonight with some of my favorite people. I imagine I'll celebrate via a margarita then I'll head home and love on my family.

So that's that. Happy One Year Cancerversary to Me! Wishing you all happiness & health. Take your Vitamin D and do your monthly self exams.

Hugs!

It's been a while...

It was brought to my attention today that I haven't updated this blog in quite some time. I guess in a way, I feel like my journey has slowed down so much that there isn't much to update. I'm feeling great, absolutely amazing. I went back to work last week and am just loving it. Feels like life is normal again.

I do have my first physical therapy appt tomorrow. I'm fairly certain that they'll say I'm good and don't need any more care but I'm following through with all the things the doctors suggested (and that is one of them). I still have quite a few doctors appointments - following up on one thing or another. Oh, one HUGE piece of info I guess I haven't shared is that my genetic tests came back NEGATIVE for the BRCA 1 & 2 gene mutation. Again, somewhere there is an angel who continues to be on my side. I'm so lucky.

On another note, it's October which means pink is everywhere in support of Breast Cancer Awareness. It's great to see and I'm glad to see the collective effort to bring attention and funding to finding a cure. An exhibit opened just recently in NY called 'The Scar Project' by fashion photographer David Jay. It's a bit edgy/raw but it truly illustrates what breast cancer looks like. The project is dedicated to the 10,000 women under the age of 40 who will be diagnosed this year.

The Scar Project Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI5w6Bv5eZs
or www.thescarproject.org

Major Win

This weekend brought a huge win for me. I am officially allowed to pick up Channing!!!!!!! It's hard to explain how amazing this is for me. I essentially didn't get to pick her up for a month. Yes, I was able to hold her while sitting down. But I couldn't hold her like a mom should. And I can now. She's 5 months old now and she's all mine! Tonight I carried her to her room and rocked her a bit before I laid her down to sleep. It felt like one of the most amazing things in all of my life. Those 5 minutes were magical and I doubt I'll ever forget the feeling.

I also hope that I never lose track of how easy it is to take something for granted. I sure don't think I will for a long time.

On another related/unrelated note, I'm planning to walk the 1-mile 'Race for the Cure' this coming Sunday if anyone is around. Second, I DVRed the Stand Up To Cancer program and highly recommend viewing it on YouTube (or any network site) if you missed it. Good stuff - research is the key to beating this miserable cancer mess and 100% of proceeds to directly to help. You can check out www.standuptocancer.org if you aren't interested in watching the one-hour special.

3 Weeks Post Surgery

I passed the 3 week mark on Friday and I'm doing better and better. We went on our first big outing yesterday, heading to Autzen Stadium to watch the Ducks play New Mexico. Ducks won 72-0 - - wow! Anyways, I was thrilled with how well I felt being out and about for such a long period of time. I wasn't in any pain and just got to enjoy the day and all the beautiful sunshine (and of course a Ducks win!). When we got home, I was tired but that was expected.

My biggest pain points remain sleeping and showering. It's laughable but I was excited this week when I could shower without sitting down even once! ha ha. Small milestones mean a lot these days. And sleeping is still kind of on and off. Some nights I still need a pain pill and other nights I don't. I imagine it will be that way for a while.

We've had one minor set back in that my right side incision has come open. I swear it's horrible and will kill me but my doctor says it's ok and we'll be able to fix the scar later. Meanwhile, I get super ill just looking at it and trying to apply the medication. I've never been one to handle medical stuff very well and it's no different with this stuff. It's just gross. I'm hoping to see some improvement in the next few days.

I also am happy to report we got the final pathology and it was CLEAN! I'm done done done!!!!!! Seriously, I'm DONE with cancer!!!! We are thrilled beyond belief.

This week I also had my blood drawn for the genetic testing. We're looking to see if I have a mutation of either BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 (or Chech, sp?) which is an indicator of future cancers in my future. The hope is that I don't have either. If I do, there will be other screening needed as well as one more potential surgery. The wait is about 3-4 weeks. The real goal with this is to be able to know about cancer risks for our kids. If I do have the mutation, the kids will need screening when they grow up as well. It's pretty heartbreaking to know you might have passed something so horrible like cancer onto 3 amazing little people but I'm glad there is a way to prepare them in being super agressive about screening.

I'll keep you all posted as I learn more!

Sharing Some Pictures

Below are a few pictures of some of the many visitors and treats that have arrived since this whole cancer journey began. And yes, I'm feeling pretty brave for posting some of these. Just assume that I'm as drugged as I appear (I'm sure I was).

I've had MANY more helpers and visitors that have snuck off without getting caught by the camera. I'll get you sooner or later!!

Me & Lisa

AMAZING basket from "PS Girlfriends" (Thanks to Lisa for giving this to me.)

Steph visited soon after I was home. I'm not looking so great.

Miss Ellie came for the visit too. The G'mas (Gail & Jill entertained downstairs). Notice the size difference? Yes, Ellie is a full month older than Channing. I make 'em big!!

Sam put together this fun cupcake treat!

Mr Ethan Howell came for a visit too. This one, they are playing nice.

Me & Sarah

And Mr. Ethan no longer having fun with Channing. Perhaps he's scared of her mis-matched pokadot mess of an outfit. I blame the G'mas as I was clearly drugged up!

Drug Free Days!

I'm about 10 days post-op now and feeling better each and every day. My strength is returning but I still tire very easy. My days are very quiet for the most part but I'm doing more and more in terms of the daily care of Channing and I couldn't be happier. I'm of course still on the 'do not lift' order but we manage pretty well once set up either on my bed or the floor. I can feed and diaper her and usually keep her pretty happy for about half a day.

I'm also off the pain meds (well, mostly). I still take one at night but otherwise I'm drug-free. In terms of pain - I'm more uncomfortable than anything. I can't lift my arms up very far and have been ordered not to try to put them up over my head. I imagine that would be ridiculously painful anyways, so I'm not planning to try that any time soon. The one thing that really bothers me is the tight feeling around my body. I don't notice it so much with clothes on, but when in the shower it's really frustrating. I basically feel like I have a very tight sports bra on all the time. Under my armpits is the worst. It's no fun. Also, the numbness is not so much fun. I imagine I have to get used to that but it's really strange not having any feeling across your whole chest. My hope is that at some point, some nerves will re-connect, grow, or whatever they are supposed to do. Oh - 'find of the day' today was learning how to more effectively shave my armpits. Just what you wanted to hear right. But really, it was a win for me. The key is to use those cheap pink dixie razors. They are super thin and I don't have to raise my arm very high. Funny how something so silly really did make me happy today. Oh, and after my shower I watched the second half of True Blood again (because I fell asleep a little last night. Don't tell Scott - if he knew he watched even 10 seconds of True Blood on his own he'd leave me. And I can't have him leaving me right now. It's just not a good time really.) :)

The boys continue to be an absolute dream. I just can't explain how fantastic they are and how aware they are at all times that 'mommy is sick' and to be careful. The maturity of a 3 and 4 year old surprises me daily. Keaton asks me at least once each day "how are you feeling today mommy". Tonight he broke my heart by saying he can't wait for me to be 'all better' so he can 'give me a really good hug soon'. I want the same thing. I want to pick them all up and give them huge hugs. For now though, we just do lots of snuggling and 'soft' hugs. I'm cashing in hugs for kisses. It's good stuff.